23 Hours and 45 Minutes

There are many, many books devoted to the art and science of raising well-adjusted kids. Books like this are written with people like me in mind – whenever I embark on a new adventure I run out and get a couple texts on the matter. I’m always curious to see what the experts have to say before I find myself in hot water.

The problem with books about child rearing is that while they are generally good at discussing children as a group, they just don’t tell you the one thing you really want to know – what will work with Your Kid.

A couple weeks ago, Cam and I were having a little trouble. He was getting sassy and talking back to me. The usual discussions weren’t working and so I told him that if he did it again, he was going to get soap in his mouth.

A couple hours later, he did it again. I let it go with a warning.

During dinner, he did it again, and I warned him again. He wasted no time in talking back to me.

At this point I decided I couldn’t not put soap in his mouth. If you say you’re going to do something and then you don’t, well, what’s the point?

I went to the kitchen sink and got some dish soap on my finger. Cam freaked out. He was screaming and crying and covering his mouth with his hands. I had to pry them away from his mouth so I could put the drop of liquid soap on his tongue. Frankly, I’m a little surprised he didn’t bite me.

He started spitting and spewing and trying to get the taste out of his mouth, and I tried to help him - I had gotten my point across, the punishment was done as far as I was concerned. I got him a fresh glass of water and tried to help him.

He didn’t want me anywhere near him. He just kept repeating “I want to go to sleep! I just want to go to bed!” I felt pretty lousy about the whole thing – suddenly I understood the often-repeated parental phrase “this is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.” Damn. I felt like the Meanest Dad in the World.

The whole episode was pretty upsetting. But then it got worse.

About two hours after he went to sleep, he had an episode of night terrors – he was crying and agitated but wasn’t awake.

He was fussing and talking in his sleep, and he kicked me when I sat down on the bed to try to calm him down. Suddenly, I realized that he was repeating his side of the conversation from the soap incident. He was reliving the whole thing in his sleep.

I felt awful and I was more than a little ashamed. Cam had been a basically good kid 23 hours and 45 minutes that day, and my punishment for the transgressions of the other 15 minutes had caused him such trauma that he was having nightmares. The punishment did not fit the crime.

No book could have told me that Cam would react that way – but that didn’t make me feel any better. I’ll be thinking about my new “23 hours and 45 minutes” rule for a long time to come.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Parenting is not for wimps.